SimplyNumbers

Psychology Today: Helping Children Survive Divorce

From the article, by Joseph Nowinski, Ph.D.:

There has been a lot of research on the effects of parental conflict on children's development, including children of divorce. The results of that research are pretty clear: the more intense and ongoing parental conflict is, the more negative the effects on children -- emotionally and academically.  This is true whether or not parents divorce. In fact, much of this research has focused on parents who are not divorced.

[Psychology Today] What Names Tell Us About Ourselves

Jefferson M. Fish, Ph.D has written an interesting series on the importance of naming for Psychology Today. He discusses some of the reasons for choosing a particular name in part 1. He then talks about potential cultural influences in choosing a name in part 2.

Fish discusses that the parents will have important reasons for choosing a name, but we may not know them if we are reviewing the information from a historical perspective. We may be able to see that they chose a name that was popular at the time, but they may have chosen a name that was related to their culture, family history or even historical figures. He mentions that he is named for Thomas Jefferson.

Fish does discuss the impact that a name can have on a person. He writes, "One can accept it or reject it, try to live up to it, rebel against it, modify it by using a nickname or preferring to use a middle name or initials instead, or take steps to change it legally. The name itself says something about the parents, but the way people react to and make use of their names says something about them."

NY Times: Children, Loss and the Holidays

Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow, in this NY Times post, responds to a widow about how best to relate to her 5 year old daughter's grief during the holidays.

In the article, he writes "Parents often feel that they must not let their sadness show. They worry that it will frighten and overwhelm the children. But keeping one’s own feelings under cover can be baffling for them. They are struggling with all kinds of feelings and will be watching how you express and handle yours as their guide. If they see no clear expression of emotions, they’ll wonder what could possibly be going on: Does this loss not matter to you? Is it dangerous to cry or to feel desperately sad?"

Where Does Evil Come From?

In a recent interview with Discovery News, Psychologist Stephen Diamond talks about the motivation behind cruel and destructive acts. He believes that "evil acts" don't come out the clear blue, but have some sort of foreshadowing.

I believe that we all can do destructive things. Of course, normally we don't commit acts that are as personally or publicly ruinous as those of the headlines. In order to instill a basic sense of morality, Diamond mentions the importance of setting boundaries and limits for children. But, what happens when we get older? That's when the importance of being grounded, centered and having some way to be conscious of your actions, perhaps by working with your shadow, can be important.

For myself, I recognize that part of my work really centers around recognizing my potentially hurtful capabilities around anger. This means that I involves finding healthy, functional and constructive ways to express my anger. It might recognizing that with some people, there is no true resolution to my differences with them and being okay with that. But, for others it's about expressing my thoughts in the moment in a way that values and honors both of us. It's not about lashing out, but giving helpful feedback and expressing in ways that don't necessarily cause others to be defended.

Some questions that might be helpful:

• What do I typically do when I am angry?
• Do I typically hide or stuff my anger inside?
• Do I let others know when I am angry?
• Do I shrink away from the anger of others?
• Am I aware of how my anger is triggered?

See also:

The Psychology of Evil - By Stephen Diamond

Getting along with siblings

"The family.  We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together."  --- Erma Bombeck

Spending time with adult siblings can sometimes be problematic. Jane Isay, of Real Simple magazine, wrote a post about being closer to your siblings. The focus of the article is on leaving the past behind us. Many of us had childhood skirmishes, but Isay urges us to forget about the mind games that we played on each other, and find ways to get along together now. Her main points are as follows:

• Let what happened in childhood stay there
• Be a part of each others lives
• Let go of gossip / backstabbing
• Watch your language
• Don't typecast
• Find ways for frequent casual contact
• Don't be jealous of other sibling's relationships
• Get along with spouses
• Don't talk about politics

In order to get a better handle on the complexities of family relationships, especially if you are growing a family of your own, you may want to look into the research of someone like Judy Dunn. Dunn, specialized in sibling relationship studies. She published several books on family and sibling relationship issues that she explored through interviews with parents, her practice and ongoing research.

Another article in Psychology Today explores her work. Through her work she tried to find ways for parents to help children cope and deal with conflict and rivalry. Dunn found that even from the age of one year, siblings respond to disputes between their siblings. And, these children are affected by their mother's interaction with the other siblings.

"The message is that children are far more socially sophisticated than we ever imagined. That little 15-month-old or 17-month-old is watching like a hawk what goes on between her mother and older sibling. And the greater the difference in the maternal affection and attention, the more hostility and conflict between the siblings." --- Judy Dunn

I would add that you should be aware of the roles that you have taken on, especially within the family. No matter what the role, whether it is constructive on not, you should be aware of the way in which your actions within the role contribute to the healthy functioning of the family. For instance, you might feel hurt that you now have become the caregiver for your parents, while it seems like your siblings do not lend a hand. It may appear that they don't care and have their own roles, lives and duties to fulfill.

If you can find an honest and direct way to talk with your siblings, you may discover that they may feel like you have stepped in and chosen to do everything without giving them a voice. They may feel trapped and helpless, perhaps reliving dependent role from childhood. Unless you find a way to honestly discuss the dynamics of any family situation, then you may find yourself stuck within a particular family pattern. However, in some cases you must first work on feeling safe, before you can have a conversation.

Within Numerology you may wish to review your own Core Numbers, to see where potential conflicts with others may arise. It might not be possible to have a full discussion with your siblings about these important numbers, but you can look for, and be aware of, your own trigger points. By knowing what can set you off, you can choose to be in relationship with your siblings in a way that is healthy and constructive, rather than allowing yourself to become embroiled in disputes and arguments.

You may also wish to review your Personal Year. For instance, It might be helpful to understand that in a Personal Year of 9, that your relationships might change. If you're ready and willing to accept this, then you might be able to help your relationships change for the better. It's about being more aware of yourself, and trying to live your life in a conscious and aware manner, rather than hoping that everything will simply fall into the right place.

You may also wish to read and review the archetype work of someone like Carolyn Myss. She helps to clearly define many different archetypes in which we can find ourselves embodied within. As you begin to discover the archetypes which you typically embody you may begin to recognize why certain relationships unfolded the way the did in your family. For instance, you may typically be embodied within the archetype of the "rebel" in your family, and this may lead to situations in which you would automatically be blamed for any trouble that occurred.

Teen brains and risk

"Teenagers seek out these sorts of rewarding experiences, and this provides a little explanation for that. In the long run, it may help us understand how addictions start and develop." --- Russell Poldrack, University of Texas

Russel Poldrack and his team have discovered that adolescent brain is especially receptive to the signals that are generated from events that are more exciting or rewarding than expected. In their research with adolescents the teams worked with a concept called "prediction error". Prediction error basically describes the difference between the final outcome of an event, and what you expected to actually happen. What they ultimately found with teenagers is that they are willing to take risks, because the rewards seem exciting and so much bigger than any negative possibilities.

Calling Mom may help with stress

Simply talking on the phone with mother can help children calm down.

Teaching kids about healthy risks

Raising a child involves helping them to define safe and healthy boundaries, while helping them to learn about appropriate risk taking..