SimplyNumbers

Eckhart Tolle on being present in relationship

Being Present in Relationships

[Psychology Today] Helping Causes Liking; Harming Causes Hating

Psychology Today has published an article by Nathan Heflick about how your actions for/against someone can help or hinder you in actually developing a closer relationship with them. The post talks about research which suggests that by helping others, you foster greater liking for them. And, that when you harm others you develop greater dislike for them.

Healing betrayal

In this series of YouTube videos, Marc Gafni talks about love and betrayal. He talks about how betrayal is painful, because we are all trying to transcend separation and loneliness, so that we can have intimacy.

Romantic Love Affects Your Brain Like a Drug

Exploring the love drug, joy and sex

Valerie Frankel, of Oprah.com, has posted an article titled ‘Exploring the love drug, joy and sex’. It’s primarily about understanding and enjoying the initial feelings that come with falling in love. It seems like we’ll need these emotions and feelings forever. The author talks about how she feels she is limerent, which is describes an involuntary state, cognitive or emotional, of deeply intense romantic desire for someone else.

Ms. Frankel interviews Dorothy Tennov, Ph.D and Helen Fischer Ph.D on the subject of limerence and love. They both feel that the feeling of limerence will last between 2 to 3 years, but they also state that it can last for longer periods of time. The experts discuss how relationships flow into different stages in which our feelings change and fluctuate. And, Fischer says, "My point is that relationships can be fluid. You can flow from one stage to another if you're able to put energy and attention into the relationship," she says.

Indeed, I can see in my own relationships that limerence can be part of a give-and-take within the relationship. Usually, as I get to know a woman it is a powerful initial feeling, especially when I was younger. But, I feel that a solid, healthy and growing relationship trades its limerent feelings for more fully developed relationship bonds. It’s about knowing and fully honoring the other person, and owning and taking responsibility for the shadow traits and characteristics that you have placed on that person.

The more you can truly honor the other person for who he or she really is, then the more you can develop a real and lasting relationship with them. Working with a tool like the Enneagram can be of great benefit here, because it helps us to understand the motivations behind our desires and actions. Other relationship tools, like Relationship Discussion groups, can serve as important guides in your relationships as well.

“Most people have come to prefer certain of life’s experiences and deny and reject others, unaware of the value of the hidden things that may come wrapped in plain and even ugly paper. In avoiding all pain and seeking comfort at all costs, we may be left without intimacy or compassion; in rejecting change and risk we often cheat ourselves of the quest; in denying our suffering we may never know our strength or our greatness.” ~ Rachel Naomi Remen

Numerology, Intimacy and Sexuality - part 3

By now, after working with your Core Numbers and reading part 1 & part 2, you know that your personal numbers can always help to illustrate where you shine. But they can also help to indicate where you may need to develop boundaries, and ask for assistance in your life. When it comes time to discuss our inner needs, boundaries or our sexuality, this is when many of us get tripped up. Yet, using your personal numbers in an open and honest dialogue with your partner can not only deepen the relationship, but the talks can also highlight your strengths, challenges and weaknesses. However, any truly honest talk can help you to see that as partners you may share limits, needs and interests. Your discussions can allow each of you to know more about one another that might not otherwise be shared, and this may help your intimacy to unfold in new ways.

Self-Acceptance is critical in developing truly intimate relationships. The more accepting you are of yourself the less dependent on others you will be. Having acceptance also helps us to be more aware of our limits and boundaries. Also, the more you accept yourself, the less you will need to seek out others for acceptance. You're relationships can then be based on respect and mutual needs. Over dependence on others can be detrimental to your sexual, mental and emotional health. It can be important, especially in the beginning of a relationship to set real and honest limits and boundaries with your partner. Setting boundaries means that you are willing to take responsibility, and that you demand equality and respect in a relationship. Boundaries can help the relationship to develop as we learn to respect, honor, value, trust and listen to ourselves and others.

When you feel threatened, angry, or victimized within a relationship you may need to discuss how you feel and perhaps back away. Having an understanding of the critical boundaries that need to be set in your life will help you to cope and to have compassion for yourself and the relationship.

One big issue that might not be immediately apparent to many couples is expansion of their relationship to the outside world. Couples, if they are not aware, can become closed off from their families and friends. This doesn't mean that they don't communicate with others, but they may develop an over reliance on the relationship itself. They could be gaining strength from, and helping to grow, other relationships. Reaching out and helping other relationships may help to strengthen the bonds of your own relationship. Caring for others can help you to have faith in one another.

As you look at what is/isn't working in your relationship, you should know that individuals with introverted personalities and Soul Numbers may need help setting boundaries. Your Soul Number represents qualities which are more internalized, and thus not easily or immediately recognized by others. If you don't ask for assistance, then nobody may recognize that you need it. For those individuals who feel more introverted, bookish, or aloof (such a 4, 5, 7) they may have a tougher time dealing with talking about intimacy, or intimate feelings. They may need some type of outside assistance. Your other numbers will help to paint your personality, but only you know how emotionally active and mature you are.

Ultimately, only you can know if you are mature enough for this relationship, or if now is the right time for a relationship and whether you are indeed in a relationship with the right "compatible" person. Hopefully, you will both be willing to work out your differences and make the necessary changes so that you can be fully intimate with one another. Also, a healthy relationship will have connections to other couples and family social circles.

Ideally, the relationships, especially those involving your sexuality, in your life should be healthy, open and mutually supportive. Real and supportive connections are important, regardless of whether you are connecting with a business partner or significant other.

Resources:
Psychology Today: The Rise of the Couple and Demise of the Rest: How Did This Happen?

Numerology, Intimacy and Sexuality - part 2

When having any kind of intimate conversation with your partner, it is important to try not to bring intolerance, blame or fault into your conversation. Your conversation should be about what works, and what can work better. You may use your Outer and Destiny Numbers to support the discussion, as these numbers generally reflect your attitudes toward intimacy, bonding, tolerance, family life. All of these things have a profound impact on the way you hold and express yourself, and your sexuality,

Your relationship discussion process can best support the two of you when it is based around constructive talk on how each of you can help to strengthen, mature and build your relationship. For instance, while looking at your partner's Soul Number, one of the first questions you might want to ask is: “What holds you back from achieving your passion?” or “What do you want in your life?” Helping each other to answer these questions builds trust, and deepens intimacy.

Now if you are married, you may think you know the answers. But, there is no harm in asking. Maybe you will learn something new, and the goal here is to deepen and find ways to help your partner grow, achieve, and become stronger by helping him\her to actively pursue interests.

Be aware of pitfalls that derail real and honest conversation. Your Maturity Number shows some of your potential strengths and weaknesses as you mature in life. Some of us may never fully utilize its full power. It can help you to both be vigilant of potential hazards in your relationship. For instance, if you both have a Maturity Number 8, then money may be a big issue in your relationship and you can center your talks on that issue.