Grief must be externalized. Our pain and sadness can be fully realized only when we release them. ~ Elizabeth Kubler Ross
With a new year and the various cultural holidays approaching or upon us, I would like to take some time to discuss grief. Grief can be a powerfully disabling emotion, if we let it be. Elizabeth Kubler Ross, and others who have followed her, found a model that helps everyone to better understand the grieving process.
In her book “On Grief and Grieving”, she says:
“We are often acutely aware of the Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanukkah season, but we forget how hard Mother’s Day might be without a mother or how empty Father’s Day may feel without a father. You will never have another mother or father again, and you may feel completely left out of this holiday, unlike the others.” ...
“Holidays are clearly some of the roughest terrain we navigate after a loss. The ways we handle them are as individual as we are. What is vitally important is that we be present for loss in whatever form the holidays do or don’t take. These holidays are part of the journey to be felt fully. They are usually very sad, but sometimes we may catch ourselves doing okay, and we may even have a brief moment of laughter. Whatever you experience, just remember that sadness is allowed, because death, as they say, doesn’t take a holiday.” ~ On Grief and Grieving, Elisabeth Kubler Ross/David Kessler
Elisabeth describes the situation many of us have difficulty facing, especially during times of celebration. For me, I remember as a teen how difficult it was for my own family when my grandmother was suffering with cancer. We celebrated Thanksgiving with her, but she passed away a few weeks later. At Christmas we still gathered as a collection of families and had all of the trimmings that she would have enjoyed. Yet, her energy and zeal was missing. I can still feel it now. We didn’t fully know how to best honor her traditions, or what to fill the void with, or how to create a new space, with new rituals and foods.
As my grandmother helped to form the glue that held us together the large family gatherings slowly faded away. As with many families, in our grief we lost some of the connection to our bonds and the rituals, celebrations and foods that held us together. The thing that touches me now is remembering how lively, exciting and fun our gatherings were. I remember one Christmas sitting with my cousins and laughing so hard that soda came out my nose.
After the loss of a loved one, the shape and dynamics are likely to change and shift. But, in order to process your grief and honor your loved one it may be helpful to find small ways in which to honor them, especially at celebratory gatherings. Preparing their favorite dishes may be a simple way to honor them. One of my grandmother’s favorite dishes to prepare was a delicious, yet simple, pasta dish called ‘pasta fazool’ or ‘pasta fagioli’. It’s pasta and beans, but still the smells can take me back.
There are of course other ways to honor those who have passed. Every family can have their own unique way of expressing thanks. You may wish to set aside a special time this season to remember those you have lost, honoring the memories and feelings that come up. For myself, although I haven’t made it in some time, I plan on making my grandmother’s dish as part of my Christmas celebrations.
