SimplyNumbers

TV Question: How do I escape my troubles?

I was watching the season finale of “Private Practice” and I was struck by a question that Addison asked her doctor on the show. She asked, “When is my life going to change?” Her doctor says, “When you make it happen.” I believe that this answer really doesn't fully answer the question. And, I think it only focuses on the desirable parts of our lives. On the show quite a lot is happening in Addison's life. She has recently ended a relationship, wants a baby, her best friend is moving away and the office is under investigation. For me, the question sounds like "When is my life going to get better?" or "How can I escape and get to the good stuff?"

There are later scenes where she introduces herself to a new man and attempts to leave for a trip to Fiji with him, at least partly to escape all of the trouble and trauma happening at the office. Then while at the airport she realizes that what she is doing might be a mistake, and she turns back to confront her problems.

Recently, I’ve been rereading “When Things Fall Apart” by Pema Chodron. I think it addresses some of the issues that this show tries to address. I first read the book in December of 2001. The practices in the book helped me to look at pain, change and trauma in new ways. At the time, I understood the importance of having a personal practice that incorporated regular meditation, but this book really helped to solidify why it’s so vital. The book encourages you to look within yourself at your own mindfulness. In the book, Pema writes that “the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.”

Pema really encourages us to find a way to accept our fear, rather than hiding from it.  She elaborates by saying, “When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality. There is definitely something tender and throbbing about groundlessness.”

Ultimately, It’s a book about accepting life as it is, and not trying to escape or discover the perfect solution. By letting go of the need for control, we can free ourselves to face our difficulties and fears. In other words, it’s about living life in the moment and finding the space to address your doubts and embracing life at the same time. Pema writes, “Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the trust is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. They they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for misery, for joy.”

Like Addison, you can find ways to lean into your life. Rather than trying to fly off with a new friend, which was extremely enticing for Addison, she understood that she needed to face her life. We see the recognition on her face as people, some of whom she knows, zoom by her to new potential. Her accepting the problems, especially those at the office, requires some big changes, but she accepts that. Of course, her work and yours is not magic.

Living your life mindfully and with compassion requires real dedication and honesty on your part. Once you recognize that you don't have to escape, the payoff comes in not feeling exhausted from continuously trying to flee from your doubt and worry, but instead honoring them.

The Situation Room

By now you've seen this situation room photo of President Obama watching live as Navy Seals infiltrated into the compound where Osama Bin Laden was secretly living. The grim reality stands out on the faces of all present. It speaks to the difficulties that many of these people face on a regular basis, and makes them all seem more human and accountable.

However, I'd like to look at the image from a compassionate, symbolic, deeper and more intimate perspective, outside of the political world. For some people viewing the photo in this way may be difficult. Looking at any image from a symbolic point of view isn't about the outside world, rather it's about looking within. If you can consciously reflect on the photo, outside of the political realm, it might begin to help you to catch a glimpse of something within yourself that is normally hidden, unseen or ignored. This photo has the potential to help you to look into your own shadow as it is connected for many of us with painful events, especially September 11th.

I'm not trying to be insensitive to anyone's pain or grief. It's the opposite. I believe that this photo has the potential for us to deeply connect and work with your difficult emotions, memories and fears, as well as compassion and centered-ness. By connecting with the shadow aspect of the photo, you may be able to begin to heal trauma and let go of certain fears which may be restricting or limiting you. The results can be dramatic, although the process may be hard at first.

I do feel that the photo has much to say about the world today. How do you feel? For me, the photo connects with helplessness. I remember the helpless feeling in the pit of my stomach as I watched the planes crash into the buildings. As I look at the photo this feeling comes up. I also recognize that this feeling, although not necessarily as powerful, comes up when I'm feeling stressed or doubtful.

I feel that the photo also speaks to the connectedness and closeness of the world today. For me personally, the photo speaks volumes about a need for compassion. Working with it, I came to the realization that I'm not helpless and my actions, or inaction, can have far reaching impact. I matter. What I do matters. I recognize that having compassion for my feeling, and not simply dismissing it, and believing in myself can be a way to step past some of the helpless feelings when they arise.

Of course, these feelings won't just go away forever. We're human and we have feelings. Other situations could trigger a feeling of helplessness for me, but coming back to compassion and being willing to recognize the feeling can help to alleviate it, instead of pushing it away or ignoring it. Whatever you learn about yourself will probably be part of an ongoing process of insights, realizations and acceptance. It's not an easy or fast process and it may take some time to recognize, accept and move through your feelings and emotions. With acceptance comes new choices and possibilities.

Symbolically, for me, this image allows me to more deeply connect with helplessness, which helps me to recognize that I have value and my presence is important. For you, the photo may connect you to something entirely different. Recognize whatever it is that comes up for you, and be willing to look for a way to process, accept and finally release it. It might be that you recognize your own humanity, and that you begin to take your relationships more seriously. Whatever unfolds for you, allow it to have meaning for your life and be willing to take action that can help you step past restrictions or limits, and bring greater connection and vibrancy to your life.

Book ideas: Poetry from Kevin Young

Previously, I've written about working with poetry for grief, healing and growth. The poetry collections of Kevin Young can help you to delve deeper into your own healing process and can be an important part of your collection. He is an established and published poet, who finds inspiration from seeming unlikely sources such as jazz and blues. He's written and edited several collections, and was a finalist for the National Book Aware for his collection "Jelly Roll" . His collection "Dear Darkness" was named one of the Best Books of 2008 by NPR's All Things Considered

NPR explains how Kevin sought out a collection of poems that might help him to handle the death of his own father. Unfortunately, he was unable to find a suitable collection, but this inspired him to write his own. 

His yearning for a collection of poetry that actually dealt with grief and regret is where the "Art of Losing: Poems of Grief and Healing" was born. The "Art of Losing" contains sections of poetry on various topics, including recovery, regret, remembrance and ritual. It also spans an ecclectic group of poets from contemporary to historical.

 

"I listen to the blues to feel better, not worse—it transforms us as listeners, takes our troubles away not by pretending they don't exist (like much other early pop music) but by naming them." ~ Kevin Young, interview with Bold Type

 

Resources:

Kevin reading poems from Jelly Roll
Kevin reading poems from The Art of Losing

Robert Frost: Out, Out

They listened to his heart.
Little - less - nothing! - and that ended it.
No more to build on there. And they, since they
Were not the one dead, turned to their affairs.

How to help your children cope with trauma

Dr. Charlotte Reznick is a child educational psychologist, and an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychology at UCLA. Dr. Reznick offers very important, yet inspirational and practical tools and techniques that you can easily use to help your children deal with trauma and difficult situations. She talks about techniques and methods for helping  your children deal with upset, anger and stress. She also talks about finding ways for helping your children to cope with the typical ups and downs of everyday living. She has written a popular book titled "The Power of Your Child's Imagination: How to Transform Stress and Anxiety into Joy and Success". 

Charlotte, has also written an article about helping children cope with the news and images coming from the recent earthquake in Japan. She encourages you to talk with your children and allow them to share their feelings. She mentions that they could work out their feelings by drawing. Most importantly, she talks about finding ways to reassure your child and helping them to feel more comfortable, and less stressed.

NY Times: Children, Loss and the Holidays

Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow, in this NY Times post, responds to a widow about how best to relate to her 5 year old daughter's grief during the holidays.

In the article, he writes "Parents often feel that they must not let their sadness show. They worry that it will frighten and overwhelm the children. But keeping one’s own feelings under cover can be baffling for them. They are struggling with all kinds of feelings and will be watching how you express and handle yours as their guide. If they see no clear expression of emotions, they’ll wonder what could possibly be going on: Does this loss not matter to you? Is it dangerous to cry or to feel desperately sad?"

Grief, Healing and Rituals

“The time after a significant loss if full of the feeling that we usually have spent a lifetime trying not to feel. Sadness, anger, and emotional pain sit on our doorstep with a deeper range than we have ever felt. Their intensity is beyond our normal range of human emotions. Our defenses are no match for the power of the loss... We don’t know that these foreign, unwelcome, intense feelings are part of the healing process.” ~ On Grief and Grieving/Elisabeth Kubler Ross & David Kessler

Although Elisabeth Kubler Ross has provided an excellent healing model through her work, you may be wondering about what other tools are there available to help you with your grief and healing. One way to heal is by honoring the connections that you still have. Connection with others is important, both with people in your life now and the person you have lost. Perhaps with help from your family and friends you can do things to support you and honor your loss. One simple and powerful idea is to have a ‘silent supper’.

The event is very simple. Everyone attending brings a dish that in some way honors someone they have lost. The meal is eaten in silence to honor those that have passed. You may wish to leave one setting empty to represent those who have passed. After the meal you may share memories about the person you are honoring and about the food that you prepared. This can be a very moving and powerful event. It has been practiced by various traditions with varying amounts of ceremony for some time, but can easily be adapted for any family, wether they are religious or non-religious, today.

I’ve prepared the Pasta fagioli dish that I’ve talked about in past posts for silent suppers that I’ve attended. I was reminded of events that I had long forgotten about when I talked about my dish. One of my childhood memories that came up was about spending time with my grandmother on a rainy afternoon and enjoying this dish. In my memory I can see the steam rising from the bowl. I can smell the garlic and other herbs. I listened as she talked with my mother and sipped coffee.

Similar memories may come up for you. The process is simply about remembering special moments about someone and sharing their specialness with the group. This allows you to honor them and connect with cherished memories and feelings. It can be very healing.

Grief, Loss, Memories and Holidays

Grief must be externalized. Our pain and sadness can be fully realized only when we release them. ~ Elizabeth Kubler Ross

With a new year and the various cultural holidays approaching or upon us, I would like to take some time to discuss grief. Grief can be a powerfully disabling emotion, if we let it be. Elizabeth Kubler Ross, and others who have followed her, found a model that helps everyone to better understand the grieving process.

In her book “On Grief and Grieving”, she says:
“We are often acutely aware of the Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanukkah season, but we forget how hard Mother’s Day might be without a mother or how empty Father’s Day may feel without a father. You will never have another mother or father again, and you may feel completely left out of this holiday, unlike the others.” ...

“Holidays are clearly some of the roughest terrain we navigate after a loss. The ways we handle them are as individual as we are. What is vitally important is that we be present for loss in whatever form the holidays do or don’t take. These holidays are part of the journey to be felt fully. They are usually very sad, but sometimes we may catch ourselves doing okay, and we may even have a brief moment of laughter. Whatever you experience, just remember that sadness is allowed, because death, as they say, doesn’t take a holiday.” ~ On Grief and Grieving, Elisabeth Kubler Ross/David Kessler

Elisabeth describes the situation many of us have difficulty facing, especially during times of celebration. For me, I remember as a teen how difficult it was for my own family when my grandmother was suffering with cancer. We celebrated Thanksgiving with her, but she passed away a few weeks later. At Christmas we still gathered as a collection of families and had all of the trimmings that she would have enjoyed. Yet, her energy and zeal was missing. I can still feel it now. We didn’t fully know how to best honor her traditions, or what to fill the void with, or how to create a new space, with new rituals and foods.

As my grandmother helped to form the glue that held us together the large family gatherings slowly faded away. As with many families, in our grief we lost some of the connection to our bonds and the rituals, celebrations and foods that held us together. The thing that touches me now is remembering how lively, exciting and fun our gatherings were. I remember one Christmas sitting with my cousins and laughing so hard that soda came out my nose.

After the loss of a loved one, the shape and dynamics are likely to change and shift. But, in order to process your grief and honor your loved one it may be helpful to find small ways in which to honor them, especially at celebratory gatherings. Preparing their favorite dishes may be a simple way to honor them. One of my grandmother’s favorite dishes to prepare was a delicious, yet simple, pasta dish called ‘pasta fazool’ or ‘pasta fagioli’. It’s pasta and beans, but still the smells can take me back.

There are of course other ways to honor those who have passed. Every family can have their own unique way of expressing thanks. You may wish to set aside a special time this season to remember those you have lost, honoring the memories and feelings that come up. For myself, although I haven’t made it in some time, I plan on making my grandmother’s dish as part of my Christmas celebrations.

Remembering - part 2

“We must welcome the future, remembering that soon it will be the past; and we must respect the past, remembering that it was once all that was humanly possible” ~ George Santayana

As we remember the tragic events of September 11, 2001 many of us are filled with anger or grief. It does not matter if you lost someone close to you or not. The grief is there. It is real. It cannot be ignored. Whether you are carrying grief from this event, or others events in your life, it is important to find a way to address your pain.

The pain that you are experiencing can be physical, mental and emotional. Some people try to avoid going through the grief, by working, staying busy or simply trying to ignore it. Some people in grief may turn to drugs or alcohol in order to numb their pain. Some may try to tune out the world around them, and move through life deadened to both joy and pain. Not finding a way to heal your grief can bring about even more traumatic problems than experiencing the grief itself. Avoiding the pain of grief has the potential to lead to deeper symptoms and is connected to physical problems as well.

Remember to allow yourself to have feelings. And, know that having feelings of pain and upset is actually a normal, and healthy part of the grieving and healing process. For some events, such as the death of a loved one, or powerful events like September 11th, it may take years to fully heal. If you have lost someone close to you, your memories of them may fade over time, but the memories are likely to remain with you over the course of your life. In order to heal, you may wish to turn to the arts to find a way to more fully express how you are feeling. There may be a deeper meaning that your grief is connected to, which you cannot yet see. Journaling, art, dance, or movement may help to give your grief, and the message that it may carry, a voice. You may wish to look to the work of someone like Dr. Ira Progoff.

Dr Progoff pioneered the use of writing as a tool for healing and personal development. He work involves finding the message in your illness. He stated, “Because of their intimate relation to us, however, our bodies are organs of experience by which meaning can enter our lives. When our bodies become ill or are injured, they need to he healed. To achieve this healing, or fixing, of the body there are many techniques that are available to the healing arts. Some of these techniques have a vitalistic source. Others, especially those that are more widely used in the modern era, are derived from materialist medical practice. The essence of healing however does not lie in the efficiency with which the body and its parts can be restored to strength. It lies in the meaning that is added to the life of the person who suffers the illness or the injury.”

Dr Progoff deeply believed that you can find meaning in your life by invoking the process of journaling. And, that was a major focus of his work. Through his early research and work in the 1960’s, Dr. Progoff discovered that those particular clients who took the time to journal were able to more quickly work through personal issues, such a working through the turmoil and pain of grief. By finding meaning in your life, you can find a reason to live life more fully and let go of the downward pull of grief. Hopefully, your own journaling process will help you to step away from grief and pain and into life.

Remembering

Did you spend some part of the day in reflection? What does September 11th mean to you? For me, it reminded me to be grateful and thankful for what I have. For me and I am sure many others too, it was the day that time stopped. It was very eerie and disturbing to watch the events unfold. It was painful to watch the events over and over again on the television, but we couldn't take our eyes away.

September 11th has become a day of deep grief and sadness. Whether you’re American or not, our lives were inexorably altered. Many families lost loved ones. Many people lost close friends. Many parents lost children. The losses were, and still are, painful. But, in the tragedy we also found many strong heroes. These heroes ranged from ordinary people, to rescue workers and soldiers. Many people stood up and offered support to others.

For all of those who lost friends and loved ones, I hope you have found peace. I hope you have found a way to heal. Maybe you have found some peace and comfort by the knowing that many of the people who did not survive, were compassionate, courageous, kind and caring, and may have helped others to survive. Many people ran toward the burning, and crumbling, buildings in order to help. And, their kindness and compassion helped to ignite the compassionate hearts of many.

I believe that after the events of that day, we are now stronger and braver. Yes, the world can be dangerous. And, life is fragile. But, I believe that the memories can serve as a reminder of how important we are to each other. I believe that we also remembered how important community is. Before we were separate. The event brought us into a closer, more connected, community. As a community we stepped forward. As a community we can continue to grow.